Dear Lynn and Meg,
I would love some advice , on how to come out and tell my wife of 37 years that I have a strong passion for crossdressing . I don't want to shock her and am afraid she will leave ,but I would rather just come out and tell her before she comes home one day and finds me all dressed up. I'm am torn on how to go about this and run different scenarios through my head every day,. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Thank you in advance
I'm thinking that this is the most asked question ,please help I don't know where to turn any more
Dear Barbara Conti,
I would advise that you tell her before she finds out in an 'accidental' way. I sort of found out by accident because I saw a large expenditure at Frederick's of Hollywood, then I searched his 'man-cave' and found a dozen or more articles of lingerie. I wasn't going to say anything, but he knew his 'stash' had been disturbed and in his heart he wanted to tell me about this for some time. We had a wonderful 'first of many' talks. My spouse has a deep understanding of his/her own psyche and his/her desire to express femme. She is able to articulate these matters intelligently and calmly.
I would suggest you spend some time in your own head and heart and think about what you want to say instead of going in blindly. Consider how she may react and are you willing to respect some of her hesitancy if she has any? For example, if she prefers you don't dress in her presence, are you willing to honor that or at least give her time to adjust? This news to a wife who is not expecting it can be extremely shocking, even devastating. Be calm, understanding....listen to her feelings. Often wives come around and are very accepting. Our group can help greatly here! Most of our members are married and spouses are accepting - though there are different levels of that.
Feel free to call me or my spouse before you talk to her. And after - if she wants to talk, I'm happy to do so. Good hope to you!
Dear Barbara Conti,
My wife discovered my secret and I wished I had told her before that discovery. As Lynn stated you need to spend time thinking of the best way to approach the tipic, but you need to do it before she discovers on her own.
I would suggest you do some soul searching on why you do this,when it started.etc.
I need/ want my wife to fully support my cross dressing but I am afraid she won’t. She knows that I would like to wear her clothes and other women’s clothes but I don’t believe she will take the next step. She was the one who asked me to wear pantyhose as it helped me with my leg circulation issues....I wear pantyhose almost 24/7 and she fully supports this. I want to wear bras, panties, makeup, etc. with her full support and participation...how do I get her there?
Is there a Savannah, GA chapter of Tri-Ess
Dear Paul68 ,
Yours will be a journey with your wife that will take time, patience and a lot of communication and there is no guarantee that your wife will support your desire to express your feminine persona, but many loving wives do understand the complex nature of these needs and there's a lot of support in joining a tri-ess group as well as other outside resources. There are several recommended books*, but the one I keep hearing is so great (I have not read it yet) is "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd available on Amazon at this link: https://amzn.to/2KUHS9G There are others, but do read the reviews.
I believe our Atlanta group is the closest for you, however, we have several members in your area and some that come from northern Florida so it may be worth your while to visit. Our outreach chairman, Rhonda Lee is also a great contact for you. I hope this is helpful - Kelley and I are still in this journey and there are ups and downs, but I'm happy to share with you in any way I can.
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*these two books by Peggy Rudd come even more highly recommended by our experienced members: “My Husband Wears My Clothes” and “Crossdressing With Dignity”.
I am a 45 year old cross dresser, and my wife and I have been married for 20 years. I have not told her of my dressing, but we are going to be moving soon and I have a feeling that as we pack she may find some of my things. I would like to tell her of my dressing habit but I am worried about how she will take it. How can I softly break this to her?
At a loss for words
Dear At a loss for words,
It's something that is difficult to approach so be prepared in advance for her possible reactions which, at the deep end, may include shock, anger and fear. Those are the worst of it and you may find she is more understanding than you imagine. Without knowing anything about her it's difficult for me to say but I do know that it is usually not something a wife is prepared to hear. You sound like you have decided to tell her and that is courageous. It will be awkward and stressful for both of you, so know that up front and you will not be blindsided, but may be pleasantly surprised if your wife is compassionate. Generally speaking, women respond well to vulnerability and honesty. She will have lots of questions so you should be prepared to help her with those with your affirmation that your love has never wavered. My best advice is to have a good sense of what you are going to say, prepare for the possibility that her reaction might be intense and even unpleasant, but stay calm and let her reaction and questions signal how you respond. An increasing closeness, mutual understanding and shared joys can follow - keep that in mind.
My wife and I are both in our mid 20's and have been married for 5 years. I told her about being a crossdresser while we were dating. She is ok with me dressing at home, but not going out because she feels it is not safe. What might I be able to do to convince her that I can safely get out and about while presenting female?
Dear Unhappy Wallflower,
It's so much safer today than it was in the mid-20th century but it's still a good idea to be cautious by being aware of when and where you dress and with whom you socialize. My CD husband and I go everywhere around town and he is treated very well and local acquaintances in his circle around town are affirming. We are older and do not do the nightclub scene, where safety may be more of a concern. In our CD social group we go everywhere and are known by many local establishments. Take it slow and ask her to consider making a daytime outing for lunch or shopping. Once she sees how accepting most of the public is, (most of whom will not even take notice), her fears will begin to lessen.
Dear Lynn and Meg,
My husband and I have been married for going on 15 years, and have known each other for over 20. A few days ago he sat me down and told me that he enjoys wearing female clothing, and that he has all kinds of stuff to help make him look like a woman. After we talked for a bit I asked him to show me his things and he took me down to the basement and unlocked and opened his old army foot locker. It was full of all of his feminine things. He offered to show me what he looks like when dressed as a female, but I am not ready to see that yet. The entire time I have known him he has been a kind and sensitive man, I just do not understand why he has a desire to look like a woman. Is my husband gay, or is he going to want to transition or what is going to happen?
I am pretty sure he is not gay or wants to transition. But these are questions only he can answer. But for majority of us crossdressers crossdressing is an act of expressing our femininity.
My best advice is to continue with an open dialogue. By all means you need to let him know your feelings and if it makes you feel uncomfortable seeing him dress he should honor that request.
There is no correlation between sexual orientation and gender identity. The number of crossdressers who are gay is minimal and corresponds with the amount of gays in the general population (two percent, plus or minus), so that is a very low possibility. You would have had red flags by now after 20 years. It does become more complicated with transexuals - those who have taken or are taking active steps to more fully transition. Transitioning is also minimal among cross-dressers but should be part of your ongoing communication. These two concerns (gay and/or transitioning) are the first anxieties felt by wives, but also the least likely to actually happen. As far as not being able to understand his need to dress in women's clothing, some of us, perhaps most of us, cannot fully understand these desires and that includes wives and husbands. Your husband has just recently shared this with you which is a huge step for him. He has been keeping this to himself for a long time but feels the need to be authentic with you. You are seeing a part of the whole person and it's a journey. He's the same person, but there is a layer here that, (if not fully explainable), at least deserves exploring and can bring you closer in ways that you may come to appreciate. Take it slow, be willing to hear him and definitely let your needs known to him. Continual communication is the key and perhaps exposure to a group such as Sigma Epsilon where you can discuss your thoughts with other wives. Keep in touch - you are not alone.
My name is Lynn and I'm the spouse of a crossdresser. We're in our mid-sixties, married for 36 years. I only discovered my spouse's crossdressing six years ago. She has very well-articulated ideas about crossdressing and other aspects of the transgender spectrum and we've had many long talks about it. My spouse is my best friend and the love of my life. We're in this together and it's a journey with some hiccups but mostly a great ride with a lot of shared joys. I've met some wonderful people through Sigma Epsilon and have formed strong friendships. If I can be of assistance to other spouses, I am happy to help.